This journey we are on in life is quite interesting. There have been several chapters of my life I would have never chose to live, but God must have chose them for me... I relied on him... He brought me through... and I praise and thank him for taking me through most of them in retrospect. It is still painful to think deeply about some of the situations though.
One such chapter is the one God is writing now. I didn't ever really want to know this much about trying to have children. I sure would have never picked this road to walk on. I was the one in marriage counseling when asked "when do you want to have kids?" that responded "Right away, and I hope we have twins:)" I have been oh so thankful for my time with Shelli. I feel like we have a fabulous marriage. We are so in love, spend lots of time together, and truly enjoy and feel richly blessed by the other person. It seems like all couples should have to share a deepness of relationship before they have kids too. Obviously not. Hormones have accomplished much over the years.
I want to walk this road well, but so far have resorted to some not so Christ like responses. Today, I prayed, Lord we want to glorify you even in this. Jesus, help us to do that.
I am looking forward to God coming through for us. I truly feel that he will. I am trying so hard to trust in his timing, even though every month I am sure his timing must be now!!! For many years now, I have felt that I would have a set of twins for children. I told that to Shelli soon after we were married and to our best man. I am sure they both thought I was crazy. However, I am beginning to wander if God was speaking that into my life in preparation for this trial. Just today we talked about whether or not we would be okay with twins if we use fertility treatments. We both said a resounding Yes! I think it would be quite splendid if God brings this to fruition. However, we would be just as thankful (probably even more so) if he would give us 1 healthy baby now before we have to do anything else! Come on God, please come quickly and take care of our hearts as we wait in expectation. We love you, and promise to give you all the glory, no matter what happens.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Willa Joins our Family
We have a new family member. It is a Cockatiel named Willa. Her Birthday is the same as mine, October 2nd. I have always enjoyed birds. As a child, I had a beautiful blue,green, and yellow Budgie named "Davy." His cage still hangs in my parents garage. I purchased him in 8th grade with the money I recieved from my family and church family for my confirmation celebration. I have such fond memories of him singing when we vacuumed or when we were loud. He had free flight of our home. Thankfully he never flew out an open door. He also never flew into the ceiling fans. He returned to his cage each night on his own. But one week when I was in highschool, I forgot to feed him and he died. I was so sad and I buried him under the pear tree in a decorative tin. I have always wanted to get another bird, so I finally decided to do it. So I purchased Willa.
I hope Shelli posts a picture so you can see her. She is quite pretty and has a fun personality. She loves both of us. She is sometimes talkative, especially when she wants fed or out of her cage. She mostly just wants to be with us, specifically our shoulder. She just got through standing at Shelli's feet the entire time she did dishes... and now she is upstairs sitting on my shoulder while I type this. Willa has already made a trip to the nursing home to visit my grandma and she went right to Grandma's diamond earings and started pulling on them! She has good taste. She also went home for Christmas so Luke could enjoy her.
Shelli doesn't particularly care for pet birds, but she has quickly become a fan of Willa. We wanted to give her a name that declares her home in Nebraska, because Cockatiels are originally from Australia. She is named after Nebraska native author Willa Cather.
If you or your kids like birds, come over for a visit! I hope we have her for a long time and that we enjoy her as much as I did Davy. I have noticed that Willa is a little more needy, not quite as pretty, and not as good of a flyer. However, she loves people and that makes her a great bird!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Waiting in Hope
Okay, for the record, this is my first blog entry. Ever. And I’m starting out with a doozey, so please bear with me. But I feel there are all these thoughts tumbling in my head that need to be let go, and although we only have one follower, it will feel good to get this out there. And as a side note, our dear follower already knows a lot of this! So here goes…
Brad and I were older when we got married (29), but I wasn’t ready for children right away. We had based our relationship on God’s standard for marriage, so I was just excited to get to live with him and get to know him before there were others around to care for and think about. My prayer was that God would give me a desire for children when the time was right. Well, the desire has most definitely come and taken root, but no children have followed.
For two years now, Brad and I have been trying to have a baby. It hasn’t happened yet. It breaks our hearts. Sometimes, I feel it crushes mine. I sometimes feel it’s my fault for not wanting a baby right away. We have had numerous tests performed, and so far, the doctors can find no medical reason for our infertility. Being veterinarians, and medically-minded, it is hard for us not to have a “reason,” at least medically speaking. So then I turn to God with all of my whys and questions. Why do single teenagers get to have babies? Why do couples having pre-marital sex get to have babies? Why do couples in volatile relationships that DO NOT want children get to have babies? Why do couples not in relationship with Jesus get to have babies? Why do I have to be several days late some months, just to have my hopes crushed with one trip to the bathroom? Why keep hoping, believing, and trusting if You are not going to come through? Are you mocking me God? Do you see my tears? Do you feel this pain in my heart? Do you know how I much I long for a family? Do you even care?
For so long, my head could answer those questions with His Truth, but my heart wailed and threw a tantrum each month, focusing my anger, hurt, and disappointment on God. But this month was different. We tried a different procedure this month. I was three days late. But once again, no baby. The familiar pain in my heart seared once again, as it has so many months before. But this time, there was no anger. No two-year-old-pounding-my-fists at God temper tantrum, like before. Just the honest cry of not understanding, but trusting my King with all my heart. At least for now, my heart somewhat gets it. And I hope I continue to grow in this.
God has done so much for me. For us. He gave up His only Son from the glory of heaven to be dependent on man as an infant, to then grow up to be tortured, mocked, and crucified, that He would be raised to life to give me new life. God gave up so much for me. So did Jesus. He gave up heaven and all the power he held there. He didn’t get to have a family while on earth. He suffered intensely for me. God does care. He knows my pain. And He never promised that everything would be easy or wonderful in our eyes if we follow Him. He does promise that if we know Him, then we will not be disappointed. And it may not look like the way I would have planned, but I know His thoughts and plans our higher than mine. And I know that in the end, I will not be disappointed. I will be with Him for all eternity.
“Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” Isaiah 49:23b
So now the cycle of hoping…believing…waiting begins again. And I know that the God that created life in the womb of a virgin can create life in me. I know that all things are possible with my God, so I wait with anxious expectation to see what He will do.
Brad and I were older when we got married (29), but I wasn’t ready for children right away. We had based our relationship on God’s standard for marriage, so I was just excited to get to live with him and get to know him before there were others around to care for and think about. My prayer was that God would give me a desire for children when the time was right. Well, the desire has most definitely come and taken root, but no children have followed.
For two years now, Brad and I have been trying to have a baby. It hasn’t happened yet. It breaks our hearts. Sometimes, I feel it crushes mine. I sometimes feel it’s my fault for not wanting a baby right away. We have had numerous tests performed, and so far, the doctors can find no medical reason for our infertility. Being veterinarians, and medically-minded, it is hard for us not to have a “reason,” at least medically speaking. So then I turn to God with all of my whys and questions. Why do single teenagers get to have babies? Why do couples having pre-marital sex get to have babies? Why do couples in volatile relationships that DO NOT want children get to have babies? Why do couples not in relationship with Jesus get to have babies? Why do I have to be several days late some months, just to have my hopes crushed with one trip to the bathroom? Why keep hoping, believing, and trusting if You are not going to come through? Are you mocking me God? Do you see my tears? Do you feel this pain in my heart? Do you know how I much I long for a family? Do you even care?
For so long, my head could answer those questions with His Truth, but my heart wailed and threw a tantrum each month, focusing my anger, hurt, and disappointment on God. But this month was different. We tried a different procedure this month. I was three days late. But once again, no baby. The familiar pain in my heart seared once again, as it has so many months before. But this time, there was no anger. No two-year-old-pounding-my-fists at God temper tantrum, like before. Just the honest cry of not understanding, but trusting my King with all my heart. At least for now, my heart somewhat gets it. And I hope I continue to grow in this.
God has done so much for me. For us. He gave up His only Son from the glory of heaven to be dependent on man as an infant, to then grow up to be tortured, mocked, and crucified, that He would be raised to life to give me new life. God gave up so much for me. So did Jesus. He gave up heaven and all the power he held there. He didn’t get to have a family while on earth. He suffered intensely for me. God does care. He knows my pain. And He never promised that everything would be easy or wonderful in our eyes if we follow Him. He does promise that if we know Him, then we will not be disappointed. And it may not look like the way I would have planned, but I know His thoughts and plans our higher than mine. And I know that in the end, I will not be disappointed. I will be with Him for all eternity.
“Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” Isaiah 49:23b
So now the cycle of hoping…believing…waiting begins again. And I know that the God that created life in the womb of a virgin can create life in me. I know that all things are possible with my God, so I wait with anxious expectation to see what He will do.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The loves of my life.
I have 2 loves in my life. My Jesus and My Wife. I speak of them in that order because Jesus is my first love and Shelli is my second love. Thats the way we like it around here. I am Shelli's second love too. We are so glad the other one is crazy about our Savior.
Lately I have felt more in love with my second love than ever. It is amazing how little love one has for their mate when you first get married. I feel like the depth of love I have for her today is not even comparable to 2 1/2 years ago. I can't imagine how much I will love Shelli years down the road. Like 50 years from now... I am pretty sure both of us will be uanable to function without the other... Plus, we'd both rather be in heaven by then anyway so I guess God will work that one out for us!
Its not that I love my Savior any less, it is just with everything we are going through right now, it has made it easy to love Shelli. She is precious. She is so compliant and willing to please me. She is a delicate flower and sturdy oak tree wrapped up in one package. She does so much more for this marriage than I do. She thinks of me throughout the day and can't wait for me to get home from work. She very rarely wants to spend time away from me. She is kind and gentle. I am rough and coarse. She is soft hearted and quiet. I am soft hearted and loud. She works so hard for us preparing excellent meals, keeping our house, earning lots of money at a demanding job, taking care of my horse business, loving the poor and needy, and taking care of the billion things that my random brain leaves for her to do, plus all the things she wants to do and sometimes doesn't get to.
I am reading the book "It all goes back in the box" by John Ortberg. There was a striking story in the book about a husband and wife named Carlyle and Jane that really struck me. The story goes like this..
Carlyle married his secretary Jane. She was highly intelligent and attractive, and she continued to serve as Carlyle's secretary after their marriage. Some time after their marriage, Jane became ill with cancer.
Carlyle was deeply devoted to his work. He did not seem to notice his wife's ill health much. Eventually she was confined to her bed. Although Carlyle truly loved Jane, he found that he did not have much time to stay with her or much attention to give to her. After several years of this, Jane died.
The day of her funeral, once Jane was burried, Carlyle returned to their house that was suddenly, shateringly empty. He went upstairs to Jane's room and sat in the chair next to her bed, the chair he had had so little time for. He noticed her diary lying on the table next to her bed. He picked it up and began to read. On one entire page she had written a single line: "Yesterday he spent an hour with me and it was like heaven: I love him so."
A reality that he had somehow been too blind to see now revealed itself with crushing clarity. Carlyle turned the page of Jane's diary. He read the words that would break his heart, words he could never forget: "I have listened all day to hear his steps in the hall, but now it is late and I guess he won't come today."
I sat stunned as I read. I know sometimes I treat Shelli this way. I have all these things I do in a day and she just wants to spend time with me. Sometimes I fill my day with everything but my precious wife who I love so much. My heart and eyes welled up with tears. I knew I was guilty of a similar lifestyle. My wife lay sleeping next to me while I read and I was able to put my book down and talk to my other Love about helping me be a better husband.
I am so glad that I read this story. It has helped me remember to take time for Shelli. She needs it and deserves it. I love her so much that I look forward to perfecting spending time with her for many more years. I am glad that we are a work in progress. Now time to go be with her.
Lately I have felt more in love with my second love than ever. It is amazing how little love one has for their mate when you first get married. I feel like the depth of love I have for her today is not even comparable to 2 1/2 years ago. I can't imagine how much I will love Shelli years down the road. Like 50 years from now... I am pretty sure both of us will be uanable to function without the other... Plus, we'd both rather be in heaven by then anyway so I guess God will work that one out for us!
Its not that I love my Savior any less, it is just with everything we are going through right now, it has made it easy to love Shelli. She is precious. She is so compliant and willing to please me. She is a delicate flower and sturdy oak tree wrapped up in one package. She does so much more for this marriage than I do. She thinks of me throughout the day and can't wait for me to get home from work. She very rarely wants to spend time away from me. She is kind and gentle. I am rough and coarse. She is soft hearted and quiet. I am soft hearted and loud. She works so hard for us preparing excellent meals, keeping our house, earning lots of money at a demanding job, taking care of my horse business, loving the poor and needy, and taking care of the billion things that my random brain leaves for her to do, plus all the things she wants to do and sometimes doesn't get to.
I am reading the book "It all goes back in the box" by John Ortberg. There was a striking story in the book about a husband and wife named Carlyle and Jane that really struck me. The story goes like this..
Carlyle married his secretary Jane. She was highly intelligent and attractive, and she continued to serve as Carlyle's secretary after their marriage. Some time after their marriage, Jane became ill with cancer.
Carlyle was deeply devoted to his work. He did not seem to notice his wife's ill health much. Eventually she was confined to her bed. Although Carlyle truly loved Jane, he found that he did not have much time to stay with her or much attention to give to her. After several years of this, Jane died.
The day of her funeral, once Jane was burried, Carlyle returned to their house that was suddenly, shateringly empty. He went upstairs to Jane's room and sat in the chair next to her bed, the chair he had had so little time for. He noticed her diary lying on the table next to her bed. He picked it up and began to read. On one entire page she had written a single line: "Yesterday he spent an hour with me and it was like heaven: I love him so."
A reality that he had somehow been too blind to see now revealed itself with crushing clarity. Carlyle turned the page of Jane's diary. He read the words that would break his heart, words he could never forget: "I have listened all day to hear his steps in the hall, but now it is late and I guess he won't come today."
I sat stunned as I read. I know sometimes I treat Shelli this way. I have all these things I do in a day and she just wants to spend time with me. Sometimes I fill my day with everything but my precious wife who I love so much. My heart and eyes welled up with tears. I knew I was guilty of a similar lifestyle. My wife lay sleeping next to me while I read and I was able to put my book down and talk to my other Love about helping me be a better husband.
I am so glad that I read this story. It has helped me remember to take time for Shelli. She needs it and deserves it. I love her so much that I look forward to perfecting spending time with her for many more years. I am glad that we are a work in progress. Now time to go be with her.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Things I am Thankful For
my wonderful wife
my family
my friends
my horses
my cats
learning new things
people who show me grace
my pastors
the special friends who have taken time to come visit us this year
for the friend who chooses to take us to NU football games
that we can hope in Jesus
that God has grace with me when I make stupid decisions
for having more than enough
for God being patient with me
God working out the details for me to have a job
that I can run and jump and move without pain
that we feel healthy
that Shelli got over her bad illness
that I have God's Spirit living in me
that we have resurrection power
that we know the one true God and have the privilege of sharing him with others.
my family
my friends
my horses
my cats
learning new things
people who show me grace
my pastors
the special friends who have taken time to come visit us this year
for the friend who chooses to take us to NU football games
that we can hope in Jesus
that God has grace with me when I make stupid decisions
for having more than enough
for God being patient with me
God working out the details for me to have a job
that I can run and jump and move without pain
that we feel healthy
that Shelli got over her bad illness
that I have God's Spirit living in me
that we have resurrection power
that we know the one true God and have the privilege of sharing him with others.
Thanksgiving at Grandma's
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day! I love being thankful the entire month of November and I really love Thanksgiving. Every year to celebrate Thanksgiving we go to my Grandma Ardyce's. I am really thankful for her amazing ability to host our entire family. I have decided she makes the best turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, and dressing of anyone's I have ever tasted. I love it! But there are other things that I love about getting together with this family.
Before the meal, grandma has each person gather in a circle, we hold hands and pray... but before we pray we go around and say what we are most thankful for this year. It is so wonderful to hear what other people are thankful for and to be given the opportunity to thank God for all he has done. This year I was most thankful for God's sustaining grace. It has been a while since I have really felt like I need him in this way. That he is all that I need and that he will sustain me when I feel so depleted.
I am also so thankful that my Grandpa and Grandma Johnson always focused on the spiritual significance of holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. It makes it so much more meaningful to celebrate with this side of the family as none of the other family get togethers we attend focus on the Lord or his amazing provision in our life.
The other very special thing about the Johnson side celebration's is they are tons of fun! We have a blast. My aunts and uncles and cousins love well, and we all love to laugh and have a good time. It is a jovial experience. We enjoy being together and it is very comfortable. It is heart warming and something I look forward to so much!
I hope we can continue this tradition for many years... and I hope our kids love their aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents as much as I love mine! Thanks for the special Thanksgiving memories Grandma:) I love you.
Before the meal, grandma has each person gather in a circle, we hold hands and pray... but before we pray we go around and say what we are most thankful for this year. It is so wonderful to hear what other people are thankful for and to be given the opportunity to thank God for all he has done. This year I was most thankful for God's sustaining grace. It has been a while since I have really felt like I need him in this way. That he is all that I need and that he will sustain me when I feel so depleted.
I am also so thankful that my Grandpa and Grandma Johnson always focused on the spiritual significance of holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. It makes it so much more meaningful to celebrate with this side of the family as none of the other family get togethers we attend focus on the Lord or his amazing provision in our life.
The other very special thing about the Johnson side celebration's is they are tons of fun! We have a blast. My aunts and uncles and cousins love well, and we all love to laugh and have a good time. It is a jovial experience. We enjoy being together and it is very comfortable. It is heart warming and something I look forward to so much!
I hope we can continue this tradition for many years... and I hope our kids love their aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents as much as I love mine! Thanks for the special Thanksgiving memories Grandma:) I love you.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Grandma Mary
My Grandma Mary is very special to me. She is a lovely lady and I love her dearly. I remember her being a good grandma while growing up, but our relationship really changed when I went to college. That's when she became a wonderful friend.
Grandma is great one on one, but I can't really remember her being good at hosting her entire family. I think it stressed her out.
During college Grandma was a stable supporter of my endeavors. I could call her at midnight while studying or if I was struggling with something. She would be awake and ready to talk. She was available to listen and help in anyway she could. That's one thing I love so much about her, she makes herself available.
She was also a huge financially support to me. Her generosity really softened my heart and made me want to give back to her in ways that blessed her. I look back with such fondness at the ways she helped take care of me. I thank the Lord for how he used her to show his hand of provision.
Grandma always filled my car up with gas on my way back to Lincoln, then later when I moved to Manhattan, and finally Colorado. I could make that tank of gas stretch for weeks. I had a knack for putting in just enough gas to get home from college. Driving in on fumes before I stopped to see her and got that tank filled again:)
Another tradition I remember with great fondness is back to school shopping. She would plan a trip to Norfolk to her chiropractor or eye doctor. If I took her to her appointment we would end up at the Mall where she needed some "hose." Her hose would cost her $10 and my jeans, shoes, shirts, and underwear another $200. She was so generous at a time when $200 seemed like a fortune.
I have fond memories of her supplying other needs too. During my early years at UN-L, I was foolish with my parking and got a couple of tickets. I didn't have the money to pay for them. I decided I would give plasma. My Mom and Grandma wanted nothing to do with that so they both sent money to bail me out.
Grandma loves to give when she sees a need. She got tired of Aric and I doing dishes by hand in Manhattan and a dish washer was purchased and sent to our house! She felt our time could be spent better else where other than doing dishes. I can not count the number of people that dishwasher blessed!
When she came out to visit me in Colorado (that was a special trip, that I will share about later) she saw that I had no table and helped me purchase a beautiful oak table that I will treasure for many years. 3 of our home furnishings are hand me downs from our Grandma's. A couch and chair from Grandma Mary and a couch from Grandma Helen.
I have too many special memories to write about in one blog. But I will continue again about our Cruise and Colorado trips later.
I will finish by saying that words can't express how much I love my Grandma. I am saddened that her mind is giving away and changing the way she lives. I miss her old self and her dementia makes me sad... but at least I have been blessed with such a fabulous Grandma. One that I will always be thankful for no matter what!
Grandma is great one on one, but I can't really remember her being good at hosting her entire family. I think it stressed her out.
During college Grandma was a stable supporter of my endeavors. I could call her at midnight while studying or if I was struggling with something. She would be awake and ready to talk. She was available to listen and help in anyway she could. That's one thing I love so much about her, she makes herself available.
She was also a huge financially support to me. Her generosity really softened my heart and made me want to give back to her in ways that blessed her. I look back with such fondness at the ways she helped take care of me. I thank the Lord for how he used her to show his hand of provision.
Grandma always filled my car up with gas on my way back to Lincoln, then later when I moved to Manhattan, and finally Colorado. I could make that tank of gas stretch for weeks. I had a knack for putting in just enough gas to get home from college. Driving in on fumes before I stopped to see her and got that tank filled again:)
Another tradition I remember with great fondness is back to school shopping. She would plan a trip to Norfolk to her chiropractor or eye doctor. If I took her to her appointment we would end up at the Mall where she needed some "hose." Her hose would cost her $10 and my jeans, shoes, shirts, and underwear another $200. She was so generous at a time when $200 seemed like a fortune.
I have fond memories of her supplying other needs too. During my early years at UN-L, I was foolish with my parking and got a couple of tickets. I didn't have the money to pay for them. I decided I would give plasma. My Mom and Grandma wanted nothing to do with that so they both sent money to bail me out.
Grandma loves to give when she sees a need. She got tired of Aric and I doing dishes by hand in Manhattan and a dish washer was purchased and sent to our house! She felt our time could be spent better else where other than doing dishes. I can not count the number of people that dishwasher blessed!
When she came out to visit me in Colorado (that was a special trip, that I will share about later) she saw that I had no table and helped me purchase a beautiful oak table that I will treasure for many years. 3 of our home furnishings are hand me downs from our Grandma's. A couch and chair from Grandma Mary and a couch from Grandma Helen.
I have too many special memories to write about in one blog. But I will continue again about our Cruise and Colorado trips later.
I will finish by saying that words can't express how much I love my Grandma. I am saddened that her mind is giving away and changing the way she lives. I miss her old self and her dementia makes me sad... but at least I have been blessed with such a fabulous Grandma. One that I will always be thankful for no matter what!
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