Waiting in Hope

Okay, for the record, this is my first blog entry. Ever. And I’m starting out with a doozey, so please bear with me. But I feel there are all these thoughts tumbling in my head that need to be let go, and although we only have one follower, it will feel good to get this out there. And as a side note, our dear follower already knows a lot of this! So here goes…

Brad and I were older when we got married (29), but I wasn’t ready for children right away. We had based our relationship on God’s standard for marriage, so I was just excited to get to live with him and get to know him before there were others around to care for and think about. My prayer was that God would give me a desire for children when the time was right. Well, the desire has most definitely come and taken root, but no children have followed.

For two years now, Brad and I have been trying to have a baby. It hasn’t happened yet. It breaks our hearts. Sometimes, I feel it crushes mine. I sometimes feel it’s my fault for not wanting a baby right away. We have had numerous tests performed, and so far, the doctors can find no medical reason for our infertility. Being veterinarians, and medically-minded, it is hard for us not to have a “reason,” at least medically speaking. So then I turn to God with all of my whys and questions. Why do single teenagers get to have babies? Why do couples having pre-marital sex get to have babies? Why do couples in volatile relationships that DO NOT want children get to have babies? Why do couples not in relationship with Jesus get to have babies? Why do I have to be several days late some months, just to have my hopes crushed with one trip to the bathroom? Why keep hoping, believing, and trusting if You are not going to come through? Are you mocking me God? Do you see my tears? Do you feel this pain in my heart? Do you know how I much I long for a family? Do you even care?

For so long, my head could answer those questions with His Truth, but my heart wailed and threw a tantrum each month, focusing my anger, hurt, and disappointment on God. But this month was different. We tried a different procedure this month. I was three days late. But once again, no baby. The familiar pain in my heart seared once again, as it has so many months before. But this time, there was no anger. No two-year-old-pounding-my-fists at God temper tantrum, like before. Just the honest cry of not understanding, but trusting my King with all my heart. At least for now, my heart somewhat gets it. And I hope I continue to grow in this.

God has done so much for me. For us. He gave up His only Son from the glory of heaven to be dependent on man as an infant, to then grow up to be tortured, mocked, and crucified, that He would be raised to life to give me new life. God gave up so much for me. So did Jesus. He gave up heaven and all the power he held there. He didn’t get to have a family while on earth. He suffered intensely for me. God does care. He knows my pain. And He never promised that everything would be easy or wonderful in our eyes if we follow Him. He does promise that if we know Him, then we will not be disappointed. And it may not look like the way I would have planned, but I know His thoughts and plans our higher than mine. And I know that in the end, I will not be disappointed. I will be with Him for all eternity.

“Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” Isaiah 49:23b

So now the cycle of hoping…believing…waiting begins again. And I know that the God that created life in the womb of a virgin can create life in me. I know that all things are possible with my God, so I wait with anxious expectation to see what He will do.