There are things in my life that really suck right now and it is hard to see God in the midst of it. It is the first time in my life that I can actually see why people would choose to give up on God. If I didn't really know God's character or had not been given the wonderful privilege of journeying with him for 20 years, I would be the first to tell God to kiss my ass and not live for him anymore. Right now it seems easy to give up hoping in him. I don't want to give up, because I know he is my only hope and I would be foolish to do so. Giving up seems easier than hoping for something you feel may never happen.
Despite my feelings, I need him! Today my prayer has been that my hope will abide in him. That I will continue to trust him, even though I hate the circumstance I am in right now... That I will love him and hope in him even when he doesn't give me the things my heart longs for. That I will fall so in love with Jesus that I live unashamed for him... living for his agenda not my own... and I want to be joyful with it:)
I wish that loving Jesus eliminated the heart ache. It sure doesn't, but it does give me someone to turn to. I don't want my heart to ache so bad that I turn from God and blame him. I want to put my trust in him. I have been struggling with the verse... "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4. I want to continue to beleive that he will come through... even though right now it is nearly impossible for me to think this verse is true.
Once again I ask- Lord, give me faith to beleive what you say you will do... Please prove to me again that your word is true. I love you Daddy. I am waiting for you to answer my prayers.
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