All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all.
What freedom we have to surrender all that we have to God. I never knew that I would get the opportunity to surrender having children with my wife to God. What a difficult privilege to surrender! Shelli and I have been talking about how hard it can be to fully surrender this. Shouldn't surrender be easy? Like giving up? I guess our will to want what we want can be quite strong, making surrender hard. I am so glad that surrendering to God is not a bad thing... and that surrending to him brings life and joy! Wow, I wish my mind really beleived this all the time so I wouldn't put up such a fight!
I desire for my heart to want to yield to God... I want to trust his good, pleasing, and perfect will. Lets be real, I want to really believe that his will is good, pleasing, and perfect.
As I work through this, I am rejoicing at all that God has let me surrender to Him in the past. God, please be big and strong and good to us as we surrender all that we are and all that we have to you now.
Things that God has helped me surrender to him in the past- Singleness, My Grades, Abandonment by friends, Rejection by peers, Financial loss, Financial harship, Depression, Uncertainty of future, Wounds from my dad. There are lots of other things too, but these are some big ones. When I look back on how God has redeemed and restored so many of these situations I praise Him!
Dear Lord, please help us to surrender all to you! Amen.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Because of God and Others - My town.
I fully recognize that I am where I am today because of God and others. My heart fills with gratitude when I reflect on how blessed I have been by other people. This entry is really for me, so that I remember just how I got to this point in my life.
Just the other night I was sharing with Shelli how rich and secure my growing up was. I grew up in a small town of Swedish people who are the best socialists that ever lived. From the time I was born, I was cared for and given richly to by these people. Many of them were aunts and uncles, great-aunts and uncles, cousins and other relatives..but lots of friends and neighbors invested in me too. It warms my heart to think of the countless things they did to bless me. I first want to share about the people from my town. Another post will be reserved for my family, and another for the wise mentors who invested in me. This isn't coming together so I will finish it later.
Just the other night I was sharing with Shelli how rich and secure my growing up was. I grew up in a small town of Swedish people who are the best socialists that ever lived. From the time I was born, I was cared for and given richly to by these people. Many of them were aunts and uncles, great-aunts and uncles, cousins and other relatives..but lots of friends and neighbors invested in me too. It warms my heart to think of the countless things they did to bless me. I first want to share about the people from my town. Another post will be reserved for my family, and another for the wise mentors who invested in me. This isn't coming together so I will finish it later.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
All because of God and Others
I have been learning a lot about poverty lately. Not just having tightly budgeted cicumstances, but true poverty. Like poverty that I don't see here in the Midwest. Poor to the point there is no food. Poor to the point there are minimal to no clothes. Poor where there is no welfare system to feed you and hand you money for doing nothing.
I have lived under the paradigm that you are financially poor because of the decisions you made. In my heart and mind I thought that laziness, bad decision making, having more children than you can afford, unwillingness to labor to earn money, etc leads to poverty. Although those decisions usually lead to being poor in parts of the world, they aren't the cause of those in poverty. While becoming poor and then staying poor is generally cause and affect relationship in America, this is not true in underdeveloped and impoverished nations.
Thanks to God, working hard in America yields rewards. Working hard in Ethiopia and many other underdeveloped nations may just mean you carried more water today. Carrying more water than your neighbor yields little - you are more tired, more hungry, but still in the same financial situation than your neighbor. This causes people to lose hope. People living in true poverty, (places with a lack of resources) lose hope because being smarter, harder working, more creative, and more resourceful yields such minimal results that you are no better off than the next person. I want to be involved with people who are stuck in poverty. I want to see God change their circumstances. I want them to have hope. Now that I know their is a difference between poverty and poor decision making I am motivated to make a difference!
I have also been learning about riches. God is richly blessing our business. (at least it feels that way, because I don't have the books balanced to prove it:) I have found my heart being deceitfully proud of the financial situation that Shelli and I are in. We live a comfortable life here in America. Is this really a blessing? It is, but no more than the blessing of living paycheck to paycheck and watching God bring in just the right amount of money to provide for our needs. I was beginning to give our hard work the credit for our financial success. That is not where the credit deserves to lie. It solely belongs to God and all the people he has put in our lives to get us to this point.
This blog entry will be continued...
I have lived under the paradigm that you are financially poor because of the decisions you made. In my heart and mind I thought that laziness, bad decision making, having more children than you can afford, unwillingness to labor to earn money, etc leads to poverty. Although those decisions usually lead to being poor in parts of the world, they aren't the cause of those in poverty. While becoming poor and then staying poor is generally cause and affect relationship in America, this is not true in underdeveloped and impoverished nations.
Thanks to God, working hard in America yields rewards. Working hard in Ethiopia and many other underdeveloped nations may just mean you carried more water today. Carrying more water than your neighbor yields little - you are more tired, more hungry, but still in the same financial situation than your neighbor. This causes people to lose hope. People living in true poverty, (places with a lack of resources) lose hope because being smarter, harder working, more creative, and more resourceful yields such minimal results that you are no better off than the next person. I want to be involved with people who are stuck in poverty. I want to see God change their circumstances. I want them to have hope. Now that I know their is a difference between poverty and poor decision making I am motivated to make a difference!
I have also been learning about riches. God is richly blessing our business. (at least it feels that way, because I don't have the books balanced to prove it:) I have found my heart being deceitfully proud of the financial situation that Shelli and I are in. We live a comfortable life here in America. Is this really a blessing? It is, but no more than the blessing of living paycheck to paycheck and watching God bring in just the right amount of money to provide for our needs. I was beginning to give our hard work the credit for our financial success. That is not where the credit deserves to lie. It solely belongs to God and all the people he has put in our lives to get us to this point.
This blog entry will be continued...
Sunday, May 1, 2011
He's Alive!
I am so thankful for Jesus! My heart just overflows with love towards him. I thank God for softening my heart to himself and feeling his presence so strongly in our lives this season. This Easter I have been so thankful that Christ is alive and working in each human being's heart whether we realize it or not.
With Shelli and I dealing with a lot of death in our lives lately, the fact that Christ overcame death has been such a powerful thing for me to reflect on. When I think about Christ conquering death my heart gets overwhelmed... in awe. As I try to take it in I cry and smile and sing all at the same time. I have enjoyed Matt Maher's song "Christ is Risen" this Easter season.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A44xU35UC1Y&feature=related
I have been known to roll down my window, raise my arm (sometimes both arms:) high to the Victorious One, and declare as loudly as I can "Oh death, where is your sting!" "Our God is NOT dead, He's Alive! He's Alive!
My spirit yearns to make space in my life for this wonderful God. Now I just need to do the disciplined actions required to spend time with Him.
I hope you had a great time celebrating the Sacrificial and Victorious One this Easter... that He richly touched your life in some way... and that you experience resurrection power and joy as you go through your day.
With Shelli and I dealing with a lot of death in our lives lately, the fact that Christ overcame death has been such a powerful thing for me to reflect on. When I think about Christ conquering death my heart gets overwhelmed... in awe. As I try to take it in I cry and smile and sing all at the same time. I have enjoyed Matt Maher's song "Christ is Risen" this Easter season.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A44xU35UC1Y&feature=related
I have been known to roll down my window, raise my arm (sometimes both arms:) high to the Victorious One, and declare as loudly as I can "Oh death, where is your sting!" "Our God is NOT dead, He's Alive! He's Alive!
My spirit yearns to make space in my life for this wonderful God. Now I just need to do the disciplined actions required to spend time with Him.
I hope you had a great time celebrating the Sacrificial and Victorious One this Easter... that He richly touched your life in some way... and that you experience resurrection power and joy as you go through your day.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Before and After
Here are some funny things that we thought WE would do when it was our turn to have babies. Yeah, since that hasn't worked out so well, we have had a chance to give these things over to the Lord and can now laugh at our prejudicous opinions!
Check out these BEFORE and AFTERS for some Humor.
1. No epidural - Who cares after all we've been through, just give us a baby Lord.
2. Absolutley No induction - Still No induction (Julie did us in on this one, plus numerous other horror stories)
3. Absolutely No C Section - Shelli still does not want a C-section if she can help it, but trying for twins may mean C-section if the Lord blesses us with 2!
4. Breast Feed only - Breast feed if the Lord allows.
5. Not "plan" the birth of our kids. (Like spoil 1 for 3 yrs, then have another 1 when you are good and ready.) In our minds, we thought we would just have as many as the Lord allowed and as often as the Lord allowed until Shelli or I thought we can't do that anymore. Well, we haven't had to worry about that one! Ha Ha!
6. Shelli, No twins (she often asked me, Are you trying to kill me?) to 1 would be great, 2 would be great too Lord.
7. Water Birth Only - Totally just kidding:)
I guess we still have to wait to see if the Lord brings a baby to fruition. But in the meantime we are trying to keep a sense of humor and wait in constant hope!
Check out these BEFORE and AFTERS for some Humor.
1. No epidural - Who cares after all we've been through, just give us a baby Lord.
2. Absolutley No induction - Still No induction (Julie did us in on this one, plus numerous other horror stories)
3. Absolutely No C Section - Shelli still does not want a C-section if she can help it, but trying for twins may mean C-section if the Lord blesses us with 2!
4. Breast Feed only - Breast feed if the Lord allows.
5. Not "plan" the birth of our kids. (Like spoil 1 for 3 yrs, then have another 1 when you are good and ready.) In our minds, we thought we would just have as many as the Lord allowed and as often as the Lord allowed until Shelli or I thought we can't do that anymore. Well, we haven't had to worry about that one! Ha Ha!
6. Shelli, No twins (she often asked me, Are you trying to kill me?) to 1 would be great, 2 would be great too Lord.
7. Water Birth Only - Totally just kidding:)
I guess we still have to wait to see if the Lord brings a baby to fruition. But in the meantime we are trying to keep a sense of humor and wait in constant hope!
Eye Opening Anesthesia
I am writing from St. Louis. For the first time in my life I saw a person come out of anesthesia...and it was my wife. Everyday, I use the exact same drug they used on Shelli, Propofol, (the drug Michael Jackson made famous) to induce my surgery patients. I act like it is no big deal. Well, when its your wife, it suddenly becomes a big deal. Watching Shelli become unconcious and trusting some anesthetist to keep her alive was something I don't want to experience again. When they brought Shelli out of surgery, they wheeled her into the recovery room and I was constantly taking her pulse and respiration rates. She looked so peaceful, and so not alive. I kept waking her up and making her talk, even though she has no memory of this. I am praising the Lord that she is now wide awake. Now I am cheering her on to get well soon, because she is so so sick from all the hormones that decided to go out of control post superovulation. We were totally not prepared for Shelli to be so sick. Jesus, heal her fast... and then once we get through all this please give us 1or 2 babies this summer! Yeah for no more anesthesia.
Friday, April 15, 2011
2 Hard Lessons
I love raising American Quarter Horses. It brings me such joy. I love to marvel at my pregnant mares and each year I feel so excited about what God does when he makes a new baby foal. I get really attached to my foals. Its probably because I pray and dream and pray some more for them to come to fruition. I also have a hand in putting each baby inside of the mare, and I get to see that special baby at day 12 on ultrasound. Isn't God amazing?
God has been amazing in ways that have hurt really really bad too. My absolute favorite stallion ever was a horse named Deck of Stars. I wanted so badly to have Deck daughters in my broodmare band because they are so beautiful, sweet, and people horses. I have had the privilege of owning 2 such mares, and both have taught me some very hard, but important spiritual lessons. I will forever hold a special place in my heart, mind, and life for the role my Deck of Stars mares have played in my spiritual formation.
The first Deck filly God gave me was my second foal ever. Her name was All Star Investment. The name seems appropriate now. The filly lived 355 days inside her mommas tummy and then died during delivery.
The night the filly was delivered was over 11 years ago, but I remember it like yesterday. I was laying on my bed, the bottom bunk in the very northeast room of the AGR house in Lincoln, NE. The Lord spoke to me that night directly. He told me my mare would have a filly, and the filly would die. And that is exactly what happened. I called my mom in the morning. I said exactly these words. "Hi mom, did Cash have her baby last night?" She said "yes", I said, WAS it a filly? She said yes. I said, "did she die?" Mom said yes. I cried from the depths of my heart because I knew why the filly died and it was because of my unfaithfulness to the Lord. (My mares were bred to Deck of Stars his very last season standing at stud. After the breeding season, Deck died of a shoulder fracture, so I could never get another Deck baby born on my place. This was definitely a blow)
This is why I know in my heart that All Star Investment died. I had promised God if he sold my first colt, All Star Gain, for $4000, that I would give him 10% of the money. Well, God was faithful and sold the colt, but I never got around to keeping my end of the deal. God was working on my heart so personally, to give my first fruits, but I just hung on to the money too tightly.
I am SO SO SO thankful that God dealt with me harshly that day. My treasure was in money (and still is somedays) and it was not in the Lord. He nipped right there, in the budding stages of my heart, my love for money and earthly riches. God has an amazing way of pinpointing the sin in our life and dealing with each one of us individually. Now I can see why that lesson was so important. We have a lot of money coming and going in our lives. He richly blesses us with a large income, that is not ours to horde. Lord, let me never forget the lesson All Star Investment taught me.
I have raised 40 quarter horses since that day and I now remember our great provider in each and every sale that he makes. I want to give him the first fruits and all the glory he deserves when he raises a foal and sells it for us. Thank-you Jesus for all the wonderful foals you have made and sold for us over the last 10 years since All Star died.
I have had only one other Deck of Stars filly. Her name was Stars from Heaven. Star was never suppose to be. Her momma, Amber, should have died after her first pregnancy, (All Star Gain.) But God did a miracle and made Amber live. Then Amber was never suppose to get pregnant... and she did. Amber got in foal to my favorite sire Deck of Stars and carried the most beautiful filly, my gift, Star. Oh how I loved that filly.
Star grew up and became a prized member of my broodmare band, just like I had dreamed.
Star had 4 colts in a row for me, of which I was so thankful. But I longed for her to have one more baby, a beautiful filly like herself. So I bred Star 1 more time, this time to a world champion stallion, in hopes of that filly. Star conceived in 2009, but lost the baby at day 30. Star conceived again in 2010. This time twins, and one baby had to be reduced at day 18 to spare the life of Star and the other twin. Star carried the other twin "Radically Blessed" exactly 11 months.
The night Radically Blessed was born, I sat in my house and in the quietness I heard God speak to me again about sin that was in my life, just like he did 11 yrs earlier. Sin that I treated like a good friend instead of an enemy. Sin that was a danger to my relationship with God and my wife and other people. Sin that I didn't want to get rid of. In that moment God spoke to me, "the wages of sin is death." When that verse came to me, I thought, would God really take my filly again?
Well, later that night I learned the answer was Yes. That night, the filly that I longed for was born. And she died. And she was the perfect picture or equine beauty I had hoped and prayed for. I strongly heard the Lord. "The wages of sin is death. My son died for your sin and you treat that so flippantly. You go on sinning when you know it is wrong." I am sad to say that willful disobedience had become a part of my life.
God provided me the vivid picture of death that night, even though it was death of a horse, so that I could again be reminded of the huge cost of sin and the huge price he paid.
What really floored me was that God was not finished with my sick heart yet after Radically Blessed died. He made me really realize the wages of my sin, in having my beloved Star die, 5 days after foaling in Shelli and My arms. This hurts so bad. It hurts so bad because I know it was my fault. I know it was my fault for not listening to my God talking to me about sin. Oh how I need to make Jesus my LORD, not just my ticket to eternity in heaven.
The price for disobedience has been painful in my life. God really does speak to my heart in these situations. From now on I want to listen to him before he has to hurt me to get my attention. I am so sorry to my wife that my sin caused her dear friend Star to die. Oh God, Let me never forget this valuable lesson.
In Conclusion:
My hearts desire is that I do not forget about these spiritual lessons that God used my most prized earthly equine possesions to teach me.
Prayer from my broken heart - Lord, please help me to always keep you first place in my life - giving to your work whenever you provide for our needs. (The lesson of All Star Investment)
Help me Jesus to never let sin get a stonghold in my life. Help me to deal with it severely, remembering the wages of sin is death. (The lesson of Stars from Heaven)
Jesus, You are the morning star from heaven, who paid the price on the cross for my sin, so that I would no longer walk in sin and darkness. I want to walk in your light, in truth, and in holiness. Help me now. I love you and I am sorry.
God has been amazing in ways that have hurt really really bad too. My absolute favorite stallion ever was a horse named Deck of Stars. I wanted so badly to have Deck daughters in my broodmare band because they are so beautiful, sweet, and people horses. I have had the privilege of owning 2 such mares, and both have taught me some very hard, but important spiritual lessons. I will forever hold a special place in my heart, mind, and life for the role my Deck of Stars mares have played in my spiritual formation.
The first Deck filly God gave me was my second foal ever. Her name was All Star Investment. The name seems appropriate now. The filly lived 355 days inside her mommas tummy and then died during delivery.
The night the filly was delivered was over 11 years ago, but I remember it like yesterday. I was laying on my bed, the bottom bunk in the very northeast room of the AGR house in Lincoln, NE. The Lord spoke to me that night directly. He told me my mare would have a filly, and the filly would die. And that is exactly what happened. I called my mom in the morning. I said exactly these words. "Hi mom, did Cash have her baby last night?" She said "yes", I said, WAS it a filly? She said yes. I said, "did she die?" Mom said yes. I cried from the depths of my heart because I knew why the filly died and it was because of my unfaithfulness to the Lord. (My mares were bred to Deck of Stars his very last season standing at stud. After the breeding season, Deck died of a shoulder fracture, so I could never get another Deck baby born on my place. This was definitely a blow)
This is why I know in my heart that All Star Investment died. I had promised God if he sold my first colt, All Star Gain, for $4000, that I would give him 10% of the money. Well, God was faithful and sold the colt, but I never got around to keeping my end of the deal. God was working on my heart so personally, to give my first fruits, but I just hung on to the money too tightly.
I am SO SO SO thankful that God dealt with me harshly that day. My treasure was in money (and still is somedays) and it was not in the Lord. He nipped right there, in the budding stages of my heart, my love for money and earthly riches. God has an amazing way of pinpointing the sin in our life and dealing with each one of us individually. Now I can see why that lesson was so important. We have a lot of money coming and going in our lives. He richly blesses us with a large income, that is not ours to horde. Lord, let me never forget the lesson All Star Investment taught me.
I have raised 40 quarter horses since that day and I now remember our great provider in each and every sale that he makes. I want to give him the first fruits and all the glory he deserves when he raises a foal and sells it for us. Thank-you Jesus for all the wonderful foals you have made and sold for us over the last 10 years since All Star died.
I have had only one other Deck of Stars filly. Her name was Stars from Heaven. Star was never suppose to be. Her momma, Amber, should have died after her first pregnancy, (All Star Gain.) But God did a miracle and made Amber live. Then Amber was never suppose to get pregnant... and she did. Amber got in foal to my favorite sire Deck of Stars and carried the most beautiful filly, my gift, Star. Oh how I loved that filly.
Star grew up and became a prized member of my broodmare band, just like I had dreamed.
Star had 4 colts in a row for me, of which I was so thankful. But I longed for her to have one more baby, a beautiful filly like herself. So I bred Star 1 more time, this time to a world champion stallion, in hopes of that filly. Star conceived in 2009, but lost the baby at day 30. Star conceived again in 2010. This time twins, and one baby had to be reduced at day 18 to spare the life of Star and the other twin. Star carried the other twin "Radically Blessed" exactly 11 months.
The night Radically Blessed was born, I sat in my house and in the quietness I heard God speak to me again about sin that was in my life, just like he did 11 yrs earlier. Sin that I treated like a good friend instead of an enemy. Sin that was a danger to my relationship with God and my wife and other people. Sin that I didn't want to get rid of. In that moment God spoke to me, "the wages of sin is death." When that verse came to me, I thought, would God really take my filly again?
Well, later that night I learned the answer was Yes. That night, the filly that I longed for was born. And she died. And she was the perfect picture or equine beauty I had hoped and prayed for. I strongly heard the Lord. "The wages of sin is death. My son died for your sin and you treat that so flippantly. You go on sinning when you know it is wrong." I am sad to say that willful disobedience had become a part of my life.
God provided me the vivid picture of death that night, even though it was death of a horse, so that I could again be reminded of the huge cost of sin and the huge price he paid.
What really floored me was that God was not finished with my sick heart yet after Radically Blessed died. He made me really realize the wages of my sin, in having my beloved Star die, 5 days after foaling in Shelli and My arms. This hurts so bad. It hurts so bad because I know it was my fault. I know it was my fault for not listening to my God talking to me about sin. Oh how I need to make Jesus my LORD, not just my ticket to eternity in heaven.
The price for disobedience has been painful in my life. God really does speak to my heart in these situations. From now on I want to listen to him before he has to hurt me to get my attention. I am so sorry to my wife that my sin caused her dear friend Star to die. Oh God, Let me never forget this valuable lesson.
In Conclusion:
My hearts desire is that I do not forget about these spiritual lessons that God used my most prized earthly equine possesions to teach me.
Prayer from my broken heart - Lord, please help me to always keep you first place in my life - giving to your work whenever you provide for our needs. (The lesson of All Star Investment)
Help me Jesus to never let sin get a stonghold in my life. Help me to deal with it severely, remembering the wages of sin is death. (The lesson of Stars from Heaven)
Jesus, You are the morning star from heaven, who paid the price on the cross for my sin, so that I would no longer walk in sin and darkness. I want to walk in your light, in truth, and in holiness. Help me now. I love you and I am sorry.
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